Why do I watch?!

The Batchelorette continues unabated. Why do I watch? It is just one hideous scene after another, but I cannot tear myself away. Last night Ashley was down to three guys when suddenly, one bailed during dinner -- just before she was about to present him with the invitation to at long last bed her. I mean, the guy didn't even get through his first course. Imagine, putting up with her vapid personality and average looks for weeks and then tossing it all in at the moment of truth. Or maybe he was the smartest guy in the room and just could not stomach a phony one-night stand. Whatever, off he trotted, leaving Ashley sitting at the table completely clueless. You could see the trace of panic and terror in her eyes, as she realized, "What if the other guys dump me?!" Now it's up to Ben/JP to duke it out.

So, one night she does the dirty with Ben and the next she switches to JP. How is that real? And neither guy seems to mind that she's simultaneously head-over-heels with the other! Every date is......."just the best ever. With Ben I feel so relaxed, he's the real deal." Split seconds later it's........."With JP it's just the best ever. With JP I feel so relaxed, he's the real deal." It is so unsightly, but absolutely riveting. She spends most dates smacking, licking and pursing her lips, while she asks dreamily, "What was the best moment for you today Ben/JP?", gazing lovingly into her own reflection in their eyes and tugging on her forelock for the millionth time.

And drink! In every scene everyone is pounding it morning, noon and night. It's cheers to this and I'll drink to that! Every now and then our Ashley shrieks or squeals when she stumbles upon some fabulous and brilliant insight like, "Isn't this place unreal! I have never seen water so blue! Whee, a helicopter!" Ben/JP now profess to be madly in love with her.......or at least starting to maybe feel that way, a bit, for sure, probably.

And then Ryan shows up. What a loser! "Ry", as she calls him, appears out of nowhere just to be sure she really did dump him. After two days of mooning around on his own, staring into crashing waves and deserted space, he realizes that yes, "Ash" really did dump him. But he actually needs another dose of full-on, frontal rejection to get it. She has to make a special trip to his hotel room to tell him again to his face that, "I just don't feel that special something that I have found with Ben/JP." Nevermind, he grabs her in a passionate embrace and she returns it! I thought the guy was going to burst into paroxyms of balling as he watched her stumble away, her unfortunately-bowed legs tottering on high heels. He had to turn away from the camera, it was so pathetic.

These guys are now "totally in love with Ash" -- despite not having spent one real moment with her during the entire show. Always made up and dressed to the back teeth, she meanders around movie set locations munching gourmet food and tossing back yet more wine. Wait 'til they see her with a hangover and PMS!

Can't wait for next week.