Nice

"How old are you?" I asked a waiter the other day.  "Just turned 23," he replied.  "OMG, I am 43 years older than you!" I blurted.  "You can't be, that would make you......"  Correct, I said.  "I would have given you late forties, early fifties," he added. 

Whoa!  He was probably lying for the tip, but I'll take it!   

Everything's free?

Christmas TV is filled with ads for "free" everything, but the ones that completely baffle me are for cell phones and insurance.  How can you possibly know which "free" stuff, or "cheaper" stuff is really free and/or cheaper?

You can't. 

The pitchmen flogging cell phones -- especially that annoying has-been-never-was Tie Domi -- claim that all the features are free, no charge for data, talking and texting and nothing to pay for a hundred years.  Yeah, like that's true.  Who can tell which plan to buy? 

And as for insurance, every company swears it can save you hundreds of dollars.  It's all so ridiculous and confusing.  Me?  I'm sticking to the big guys, except for my cell plan.  When we moved to Calgary, I had NO idea what plan to opt for?  So, I asked the guy who was installing my dishwasher.  What better expert to consult?  "Lady, I have had them all and the best one is Koodo."  So, we went with that.  But I now second-guess myself, what with the scores of other plans and "free" everything.

As for insurance, I hate that ugly girl in white who pushes.........now, you see..........I can't even remember her product, but she is so stupid and annoying I would never buy it -- even if I could remember what it was. 

Another problem I have is navigating through all the hotels.com, trivago and priceline ads.....among others.  What a dog's breakfast.          

Gobbledygook

"Monetary policy got itself into a cul-de-sac where it didn't take financial markets seriously.....we need to take other steps in order to reduce those risks because if we don't, we're going to create bigger problems and we'll have to pull back too soon on monetary policy......We need financial markets that are more resilient, more like the equity market....but we could get a price, could transact.  You couldn't transact if you were trying to borrow short-term.....We realized the scale of leverage in the system in the fall of 2007.....we had some very simple regulations, a leverage ratio that was a simple test.  That helped save the core of our system."

Whaaaat??!!

Who spake these words?  Mark Carney in an interview with Charlie Rose in 'Bloomberg Business Week'.  Hey Mark, I think you're having all of us on.  If anyone knows what the hell Carney is rambling on about award yourself a PhD in Economics!  It is complete BS and poppycock.  Let's face it, all the governor of any national bank does is frig around with interest rates.  Do they go up or down?  Nothing else -- except print more or less money.  The hooey Carney spouts is ludicrous. 

Guess he has to froth on to justify his HUGE salary as Governor of the Bank of England.  He is so full of it, people actually take him seriously because they have no idea what he is talking about, hence they think him brilliant.  Got news for you, I'd rather have Art Carney discussing economic policy.  This Emperor has no clothes.          

Memories of '98

"What nationality were they?" the Chinese girl cutting my hair this afternoon asked.  "Chinese," I replied.  At that she burst out laughing.  I had just told her about the two guys I had dislodged from their snowy trap the other day.  They were trying to push their car uphill!  "Oh yeah, that sounds about right," she roared. 

I would never have added their nationality to the story, but she did.  And it was true.  I had happened upon a stuck car near our house and stopped to help.  "No, no, you don't push uphill," I said.  "Here, let me drive."  So I got into their car, rocked it back and forth, back and forth in that never-fail, time-tested Canadian fashion and presto, out of its ruts it shot!  They were amazed.  Things like having the wheels straight (they didn't) and rocking are things you grew up with in the days before proper snow tires.  I still don't have any, by the way, and don't need them.

It's winter in Calgary, but G-d is it ever winter in Toronto!  My son, who lives there, has been texting me with updates about the mess that is the centre-of-the-universe.  He has no heat and no hot water, but happily can get to work and shower there.  It brings back warm memories of The Great Ice Storm of '98.  Remember that beaut?!  Brilliantly, I had insisted on a wood stove when we bought our house in Britannia in the mid-nineties.  Having had one, I didn't want a fireplace.  I wanted a cozy, snug wood stove.  My memories of that ice storm are of fun nights huddled warmly in the living room by the stove, playing board games with our daughter, then still in high school.  I cooked on it, boiled water, made tea, scrambled eggs and heated soup.  We never missed a beat.  All we had to do was get up a couple of times a night to load it up and our house was toasty.

My latent pioneer spirit was awakened in '98.  I loved it.         

 

If we didn't have Christmas............

....we wouldn't have a reason to gather.  Even for people who are not believers, Christmas brings families together.  What a joy it all is!  

As an adoptee, I am the one who fixates on family -- both birth and adoptive -- at all times, especially at Christmas.  As I have blogged, my cousin who I love and adore, has been coopted by his wife and taken away from me and I am grieving this Christmas, but am focussing on the positive.  Thanks to facebook, I have connected with B's nephews, grandnephew and niece.  They are wonderful and today both B and I called his grandniece in Scotland; he connected, I left a message.  What a joy it is to talk to Brenda's grandchildren! 

Brenda was his sister.  Having led a wild and raucous life, she left half her brain on a tree in England when her sports car crashed.  Her partner of the time was convicted of attempted manslaughter (he tampered with the brakes) and spent time in prison; Brenda was left a prisoner in her own brain for thirty years before she died.  She had been an absolute beauty who dated the likes of Roger Moore and Patrick McGoohan.  Went to private school with Princess Anne, yeah, that's the kind of English "bird" she was. 

Today I had an hour-long chat with my Aunt Helen, who had been married to my birth mother's late brother Charles.  As the years fall away, I am so grateful I have a connection to Shirley, my birth mother.  Apparently, I am just like her. 

No kidding.    

A Death in the Family

No tick-tock-tick-tock.  After about 25 years, I was very concerned when the clock I had purchased at a perfect Ottawa Valley auction stopped ticking and tocking.  It also stopped bonging on the half hour.  What to do?

I molly-coddled it for many days, coaxing it into life, but alas to no avail.  It would tick-tock for a few minutes and then stop.  So I went online and googled "clock repairs in Calgary" and called.  "Bring it in," the guy said.  So this morning I did.  I reluctantly left my "baby" there and the clock expert will call with the diagnosis, but I miss that clock fiercely.  Having been so used to its regular tick-tock and chiming, I feel lost in the house without it.  It's sort of like a heartbeat.  That clock survived the trip from Ottawa to Calgary in the back of a huge moving van and when I took it out of the box more than two years ago, it began to happily tick-tock away. 

Not lately.  Also took in a few antique watches from great-grandfathers and great-grandmothers, which have stopped performing, as well as a vintage 'Cartier' which B owns.  We'll see what the damage is, but I will definitely have my wall clock back in fine fettle.

Hopefully by Christmas.   

Most respected job in Canada

Not surprisingly, firefighter is the most respected profession in Canada -- hats off to my son-in-law, one of Calgary's finest.  In the US, firefighters are third, right behind astronauts (number one) and doctors (number two).  Surprises me about doctors, but I guess because there is no compassionate universal health care in the US, they are seen as rich businessmen.   

And that's one of the big differences between the US and Canada: the worship of money.  They do, we don't.

But back to firefighters because last evening I was surprised to hear someone say that Americans don't really respect the profession and think it's a sort of lower profession.  What??!!, I exclaimed.  "How could you not respect firefighters?"  So, I googled the matter and it turns out the Texan who voiced this opinion was dead-wrong.  Of course I knew this because firefighters are respected worldwide, as they should be. 

People should consult the facts before they open their mouths.       

The two "Yammas"

I'm "Yamma" and she's "Yamma".  Our grandson has given both his maternal and paternal grandmothers the same name, although he knows we are different "Yammas".  Last night we celebrated his second birthday here and he was in fine fettle, albeit a tad under-the-weather.  Daycare germs are immortal.

Grandson knows all about this Yamma's house, where everything is, how things need to be, where his room is, what keys of the jumble in the hall start Yamma's car, which lock the house, just as I am sure he knows everything about his other Yamma's house and habits.  Sentences have now stretched to three and four words.  He's a delight.  Took him for his second annual visit to Santa and he was rarin' to go.  Many other kids were crying and squirming, meaning that the parents had just wasted $40, but he was all smiles.  Last year he had no clue who the big guy in the red suit was, but this year Santa is the cat's meow. 

Merry Christmas to all my followers and readers!

 

 

It just never ends

Vancouver lawyer Doug Eyford, who I worked with on EXPO 86 and the Canada Pavilion in Vancouver (we all had a ball) has written a report about the impossible conditions between native Canadians (although they're not really "native", just got here before the rest of us) and the resource industry.  It's resistance and obstruction all 'round from the "natives".

Well, of course it is.  They resist and object to anything and everything, while doing nothing themselves to harvest this country's riches.  There are currently 600 resource projects planned in the next decade, valued at $650 billion, which the Fraser Institute says face major obstacles with natives.  What is wrong with these people?  Where do those 630 "first nations" communities think the money they are handed comes from?!  Natural Resources Minister Joe Oliver has repeatedly warned that Canada must move quickly on these projects to take advantage of lucrative energy markets in Asia or the window will close.

And what are the natives doing?  Going to court to stop everything.  What do they care?  They know they'll get their $80 billion a year every year anyway, so who cares if no oil and gas get out of the ground and into international markets?  Harper wants to make Canada an "energy superpower", but it will never happen if the natives keep fighting everything in the courts.  For them it's all about land claims, er I mean money.  If you want to get down to their position, the natives believe they own every square inch of Canada.  Hey, that makes everything impossible and no one will get richer -- not Canadians and certainly not natives, just lawyers.  Sadly, the "natives" will continue to live in squalor on isolated reservations while money sits undeveloped right underneath their shacks.  Canada is a very rich country if only we could get to the riches!  We don't have to end up like Bulgaria. 

Eyford says, "This won't be an easy process."  How about impossible.  I'm sick of it.   

Annoying people

Laughed my head off when I read Globe and Mail columnist John Doyle this morning.  He named his top 10 most irritating TV-related Canadians of 2013. 

Right up there in the number one spot was Moses Znaimer, long-time Canadian television producer and executive.  He won because he hired Conrad Black to host a chat show, the latter of whom invited Rob Ford on as a guest.  He called their conversation a "stunning grotesquerie" -- a brilliant term.  I agree about Znaimer.  I met him in 1968 in Ottawa when a mutual friend invited us for coffee.  He was nauseatingly in love with himself, with a head the size of a watermelon.  He committed the worst social sin, he was a bore. 

Next is Amanda Lang.  I agree, another one completely full of herself with off-putting ideas and opinions.  Doyle's verdict is that she uses 'The Royal We' too often, giving the impression she's a government spokesman, and is outright rude to her guests.  She is, but at least Kevin O'Leary regularly smushes her into her place. 

Third comes predictable attack dog John Baird.  Nothing more needed on that file.

Next is 'BodyBreak' couple Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod.  Could not agree more.  Talk about completely sexless and clueless!  You'd think a couple of fitness freaks would be sexy, but no, forget about it.  Apparently they went on 'The Amazing Race Canada' and didn't do well, tagging them as a couple of frauds.  Perfect.

Fifth is the A&W manager -- the fat guy who flogs Mama and Poppa burgers.  Inane and idiotic, he prompts thousands of people to switch channels at the very sight of him.  In fact I would never buy an A&W product -- hormone-free and bottle-fed or not -- thanks to his slovenly appearance.

Sixth are freestyle skiers and sisters Justine and Chloe Dufour-Lapointe.  In Doyle's opinion the CBC should not be using eye candy to flog the Olympics.  That's the CBC for you.

Ezra Levant is next -- a perennial favourite.  Another ranting bore.

The Wonga Women are eighth -- those plastic figures who flog loans with English accents.  Silly and annoying. 

Russell Peters squeezes in in ninth place because he is no longer funny.  That pretty much nails Peters, who is less and less funny the richer and richer he gets. 

Finally we have someone I have never heard of, Ziya Tong, co-host of 'Discovery Planet'.  She makes the grade because Doyle says she declares everything "totally amazing".  Hey, it's a science show! And turn down the giggling and gushing.........please. 

Some great choices there, but I can add a few such as Tom Mulcair -- completely ridiculous, out-of-touch with Canadians and hysterical.  On the CBC front I nominate Peter Mansbridge as the absolute worst of a sad and bad lot, with Heather Hiscox (or is she CTV?) right up there for pure, unadulterated self-love and phoniness.  Wendy Mesley gets it for revolting perkiness.

This is fun!  When I think of others I'll let you know.

I'm with Jodi

"It is the height of tacky to invite guests to your home and then require that they remove anything more than outdoor attire."  This by Jodi Smith of 'Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting' in response to the question of "to remove shoes or not".  Let me tell you, if I went to a party dressed-to-the-nines and the host or hostess asked me to remove my shoes, I would turn around and walk out.

Shoes make the outfit, as I always say.  I would only remove mine if I were invited to a dinner in Japan.  Otherwise, they stay on.  Apparently, people sink to the depths of handing out "guest socks" for people to wear because they want to protect their precious floors and carpets.  Hey, don't have parties.  Reminds me of old friends who collected uber-expensive carpets and proudly ushered guests into a special room where they were laid out in all their majesty.  "Oh my G-d!' shrieked the wife when I ventured to actually step on one.  "Don't put a foot on that," she screamed, grabbing my arm and nearly toppling me over.  It was all so completely ridiculous.  I mean, why put rugs on the floor no one can even brush with a baby toe?  

"It's one thing to ask me to remove my boots during a snowstorm, but another to ask me to remove my heels at a cocktail party where everyone is dressed up," adds Smith.  People banning shoes need to say so in the invitation so people like me can not go.

So, that's my advice as the holidays descend.      

Everything's easy when you know how

No matter what I used, or how many times I tried, I could not get the bowl stain-free.  Over the past two years since we moved in I have tried everything, but the black streaks remained.  "Looks like they poured something down the toilet," said the young plumber today when he came to install the new powder-room toilet.

I was hoping to get a shot of a plumber's butt crack, but this young man was not your stereotypical plumber.  Hailing from Belfast, he was polite and trim and a delight to chat with.  "I don't give a hoot about all that religious conflict in Belfast," he said when I asked him if he had left because of it.  "I left because I could only find work two days a week," he replied.  Here in Calgary, he is run off his feet.  This is a booming town. 

I was sick of telling guests that no, the toilet was not soiled, it was stained.  Hauled myself off to Rona and bought a new one.  With the installation it was $418!  Took the professional 30 minutes, but as B is not handy in any way, shape or form, it would have taken me forever.  As I said, everything's easy when you know how. 

So, my gleaming toilet is sitting pretty in my powder room, all ready for Christmas.   

Used the flashers

Didn't want to be one of the 3,000 prang-ups here over the last week, what with all the cold weather, snow and ice.  Hence, I drove around with my flashers on at all times to tell people, "Hey, I am not going to drive as if it were July.  I am going to drive slowly and leave lots of distance between me and the next guy."

Unfortunately, I am almost alone with this M.O. because few drivers in Calgary adapt their driving to weather conditions.  Duh!  It's business as usual, thus the 3,000 crack-ups.  My firefighter son-in-law has been run off his feet with the mess, so to give him a break, I picked up grandson yesterday for a day of Christmas doings.  First, we trimmed the tree.  With Christmas music playing, he personally decorated the tree, placing most of the ornaments on one or two lower branches.  Too adorable.  But he "got it". 

Just to be completely stupid, I decided we would attend the Mount St. Francis Nativity Pageant -- regardless of the freezing cold.  St. Francis is tucked way back in the woods outside of Cochrane and to get there you have to wind your way down many country roads and lanes.  Never mind, we arrived safe and sound.  "If you want to see the horsies, you have to put on your snow pants," I told grandson as we prepared to venture outside.  Originally adamant he would not, he complied.

Hot dogs, chilli and hot chocolate later, we learned that it was even too cold for the "horsies", so we bade farewell.  We will be back next year for the Pageant.         

Ya see............

You can't play chess with Steven Harper.  Our Canadian Prime Minister has it totally covered.  What does he do?  Invites a bunch of former prime ministers and the leader of the opposition on his plane to fly to Nelson Mandela's funeral.

What a brilliant move. 

Brian Mulroney, Kim Campbell, Jean Chretien and Thomas Muclair will join the PM and his wife on the Royal Jet to Johannesburg.  How classy is that. 

He just takes the wind out of everyone's sails.  As I said, don't play chess with the guy. 

A plumber?

No, but he certainly dressed like one.  Sitting in the waiting room of the Cochrane Lab, I was jolted to see a young man walking up and down, up and down.  What jolted me?  His pants.  They were so low his crack showed. 

It was absolutely disgusting.  Had he been sitting in my seat before I arrived?  Oh G-d no, please.  To add insult to injury, he was fat.  Yuck!

Wearing a hoodie, he looked like he should have been in a New York "hood", but there he was in Cochrane Alberta, a very conservative town.  My imagination took over.  "He's a drug addict and can't sit still.  He is waiting for treatment to come down from something."  But no.  Soon a middle-aged woman emerged and said, "Let's go son, I'm done."  He had been waiting for his mother. 

She walked behind his behind and must have been well aware of his "ahem".  She said nothing, obviously having seen this get-up many times before.  Oh dear, another young adult living in his parents' basement.   

Who ever said Marilyn was dumb?!

There she is, 51 years after her death, the face of Channel No. 5 in print and on TV.  Apparently, no female star has been able to eclipse her.  Bite me Angelina Jolie. 

Google "Marilyn" and hers will be the second name to pop up, which shows you just how powerful she remains.  Fifteen, I was in Ogunquit Maine on vacation with my family when the news flashed that she had died.  As with Kennedy, I remember exactly where I was.  Portrayed as a bimbo, she certainly was not.  Here are a few of her bon mots and memorable quotes:

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.

"Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him.  After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I'm out-of-control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.

"I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.

"A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night.

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul."

About a profound as I've heard from any woman.   

Bizarre

Hundreds compete and I don't get it?  I guess for a chance at snagging a multimillionaire NHL football player.  Got hooked into the tryouts for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders last night.  Could not tear myself away.

Mostly dyed blondes, they were clones of each other.  So were the few brunettes.  It's not as if these girls were all bimbos; some have successful careers.  One was a chiropractor, another owned her own computer business, another was a chemical engineer.......so why they would want to subject themselves to what they will be subjecting themselves to if they succeed is a mystery to me?

But they were not all playing with a full deck.  One interview was stunning.  "Who is the Commander-in-Chief?" asked one of the judges.  With a proud beaming grin, the girl gave the name of Jerry Jones, the owner of the team!  Do you know which political party the president belongs to?  She shook her head.  "Do you know what a political party is?  Again the head shook. 

You could not make this up.  I was incredulous, so were the judges.  Thrilled at her chance, another girl jumped in and said, "Barrack Obama and he belongs to the Democratic Party".  But the next question stumped that five-star member of Mensa.  "Which party did both Presidents Bush belong to?"  "Oh, I know this........the...uh.....the....um.........oh dear, I just can't think of it right now."  Unreal.  Needless to say, both were weeded out.  But this was the final round and each girl had actually made it all the way there!  If I were a judge, I'd suggest having the "brains" portion of the tryouts first up. 

"These girls have to be able to converse intelligently at dinner where they might be seated next to a senator or a congressman -- or even a team owner!" drawled one of the judges, herself an older, desperately pulled-together, former cheerleader.  Here's a bulletin girl: the senator, congressman or team owner doesn't give a whit if the cheerleader next to him knows who the president is.  He has only one thing on his mind.

Yet, I could not bring myself to turn the TV off until the girls who were chosen for training camp had been selected.  As each name was announced, the weeping-with-joy began as they rushed to the stage.  And they're not even cheerleaders yet.  Many who had made it to previous camps lost out to this new group of masochists.  "I didn't make it this time," sobbed one loser, "but I'll be back next year." 

Leaving the venue, they fell weeping into their waiting mothers' arms -- the latter older saggier versions of the daughters, of course. 

Sad.  Had I been one of the losers, I'd have packed it in and got on with my 'real' life.   

               

No One has a Brain Like that Anymore

"Nine tenths of the people are created so you would want to be with the other tenth." 

This marvellous comment was made by British Parliamentarian and writer, Horace Walpole, 1717 - 1797. Who has a brain like that today?  Every now and then I look up someone famous to see how much more brilliant than your average Canadian.  Here are a few more gems from Walpole:

"The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

"The Methodists love your big sinners as proper subjects to work upon.

"Poetry is a beautiful way of spoiling prose, and the laborious art of exchanging plain sense for harmony."

The Globe and Mail publishes excellent quotes every day, which is where I get my inspiration for looking up the authors.  What I discover is a far cry from, "Whaa's up?"  And if the word "like" didn't exist, most people would remain mute.  Ditto with "you know?". 

All very depressing, compared with the wit and spleen of yesteryear.