It's not about the mothers

Saw a documentary last evening about a woman who gave up her out-of-wedlock baby 40 years ago. Good for her, I thought. But the whole program was about how terrible it is for mothers who had to do this. Really? What about the babies? That's where my money comes down. It's not about the mothers, it's about the babies.

Sixty-four years ago, my birth mother gave me up and thank G-d she did. If you want to get really clinical and anatomical here, the developing fetus doesn't care which mother is nurturing it. All that happens as part of a normal bodily function. Naturally, every fetus deserves a healthy host, but there is no love there of which the newborn will be deprived if it is taken away from the birth mother. The bond develops after birth between mother and baby. Granted the mother is very involved with the baby as it develops, but that is no reason to keep a baby if you are an unemployed teen without an emotional or financial support system. That's just plain selfishness.

This documentary dwelt on the mothers -- all of whom said they should have kept their babies. "I just wanted to grab my baby and run out of the hospital," one said. "I was treated very poorly in the delivery room," lamented another. "It was so unfair that I had to give my baby up," cried another. The rough life most of the babies would have had if the mothers hadn't done the unselfish thing wasn't part of their fantasies. I see it every day -- teens on welfare pushing baby carriages, grandmothers in their thirties at Walmart with teenaged daugters pushing yet another infant soul, without much hope of anything good coming out of any of it. A viscious cycle of child poverty perpetuated for generations. Sad.

Forty years ago, newborns were taken right after birth. Sixty years ago, mothers had to stay locked away with their babies for six weeks before turning them over to already-chosen adoptive parents. Imagine that. Six weeks. The sacrifice of mothers like mine was truly heroic. Having discovered my birth family, I am very grateful she gave me up. Interestingly, the daughter this woman eventually found wasn't interested in having much of a relationship with her. "It would be too disruptive for my family." The self-centred birth mother was crushed all over again. I suppose she had envisioned a raw, emotional and love-filled reunion, with everyone falling about in tears of joy. Doesn't always happen that way. I can relate. Some members of my birth family were welcoming, others were aghast, none was unabashedly overjoyed. To this day -- more than 30 years later -- none of my cousins has reached out (My mother had died, so we will never know how that might have turned out.)

Curiousity drives adoptees to discover their birth heritage, but these people are not really your "family". I don't need to get into what makes a family, we all know. I thank my birth mother. In my case, she did the right thing.