Listened to an interview on CBC today with an author named Lori Gottlieb. She has written a book called 'Marry Him!', based on her March 2008 article by the same name in 'The Atlantic'. I have been married twice - once for nine years and this time for 27. I highly recommend it because society affords married women perks it denies singles. I'm not going to go into them, you all know what I mean. Ms. Gottlieb's premise is that if a woman wants children, she is better to "settle" than to continue to look for Mr. Perfect. She knows; she did it the other way 'round, i.e., had a child and then tried to find Mr. Perfect, except he wasn't interested in taking on her baggage. He wanted a younger woman with whom he could make his own offspring. She admits that there is something objectionable about settling because it places a woman's biological clock at the mercy of a man, thus making the affair one of not only the heart, but also of the ovaries. Can't deny that one, unfortunately. In my case, I had two beautiful toddlers from my first marriage when I met a man in the same boat. We combined our burdens, so to speak, with varying degrees of success and failure. But I agree with Ms. Gottlieb, marrying before having the child is preferrable for the simple reason that you at least have another parent to share the rearing of it with. Even if you divorce, she says, you can still date while the child is visiting the other parent. Cynical, yet practical, I have to admit.
She also talked about today's young men, who think they can land the supermodel with the degree in biochemistry and environmental engineering. Forget about it. She referred to it as the "Cinder-her" and "Cinder-him" phenomenon. We mothers have to realize that it is we who raised these young men and women. My theory is that they watched us getting divorced and struggling with jobs and kids and they want to get it right the first time. I sincerely hope they do. They must have sensed that although we called them "careers" -- weren't we just so "liberated" -- they knew it was a hoax and we got the wrong end of the stick. Liberated! Ha, ha, ha, hahahah ha! Those are my thoughts on "settling".............
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The criteria for a partner, dwindle considerably as you get older. What starts out as 50 "must-have" qualities is reduced to a couple. You realize what is really important, and that there is really only a few things that you need in a partner - mutual love and respect and common interests/views. However, as you get older everyone has got more baggage from past failed relationships and used to "doing it on your own". So which is better? Experience which tells you what your real needs are, or a youthful unscorned heart? The average age for marrying used to be 23, now it is 33. It is taking a lot longer for people to get started in life ... in school longer, more debt, more career changes, more choices in general ... men and women aren't feeling that desire to "settle" as early, because they aren't stable as early.
ReplyDeleteVery insightful. You are quite right about everything taking longer and stability starting later.
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