Dog people

I love the Westminster Dog Show. Dog people are a breed apart (pun intended). If you have ever watched 'Best in Show', you know that the movie is not much of a parody, it's pretty accurate. Most of us never advance beyond the status of pet owner and pet lover -- don't get me started blubbering about our darling bouvier Charlie, may he rest in peace. But the breeders who compete in this mother of all dog shows are facinating! It is all soooooooooo serious. The best parts are, of course, the adorable dogs who jut and strut their stuff, but a close second are the handlers. I love to watch them because you only see their bottom halves as they trot around the ring and thus get a real close-up of their legs, shoes and outfits.

For some reason, the female handlers are all heavy, with thick legs and hideous shoes. The male handlers are also predominently stout and........well.........you know. I have no idea where they get their shoes from, but most of the feet inside positively bulge out. It all looks as painful as a pair of my highheels! And the rears and derriers that jiggle and thunder along are riveting. One reason you'd never catch my ass circling the ring.

The other absorbing feature is the breed descriptions. Listen closely and you will discover that they are all the same. One breed is..."independent, but loyal to its owner"........another completely different breed is "loyal, but has a streak of independence". They are happy and determined, or determinded and happy............love the outdoors, but make great pets for children, or make great outdoor pets for busy children.........I mean, the announcer seems to be reading from a script the kennel club made up on the fly. Problem is that these show dogs have had the original characteristics completely bred out of them. I had hard time picturing one of the "hunting" species actually hunting something. Maybe a chew toy or a soiled sock, but never a wild creature.

This year a dog other than the usual cute, little breed with the snappy name won. The italian judge -- who had been sequestered for the duration of the show -- swanned in triumphantly for the climactic 'best-in-show' award. Flanked by two officious officials -- Mr. So-and-so the IIIrd and Mr. What's-his-name -- in he strod. Dressed in black tie, he did his professional thing (something I can never figure out, squeezing the haunches, checking the teeth, clutching the back end, feeling down the legs) to great fanfare, as a breathless hush fell on the crowd. I was sure he was going to pick the usual little cutie, but no. He went for the Scottish Deer Hound. Huh!?? Yes, and good on him. This was an absolutely gorgeous and majestic dog, never best-in-show in more than a hundred years. People were so stunned they barely clapped. But clearly, this dog deserved to win -- if only to demonstrate the contrariness of the Italians. It was a great show this year!