Life in the fast lane

It's been three-and-a-half years since I swam at the local public pool. Having been spoiled by having our own here in the condo, I had to re-join the masses this morning; ours is closed for a month while they paint it. Arriving, I presented myself at the desk and waited while the clerk looked me up. Yep, there I was, so she re-issued my card with my old photo. Man, talk about a shock! Back then I had many fewer grey hairs and many fewer facial lines. Depressing indeed to see what gravity has wrought in just a few years. Then it was into the dressing room, where I took a few moments to recover from the sight of so many middled-aged and elderly, naked women all trying desperately to ignore each other's hideous hides. Brought back a gruesome memory of several years ago, when I bumped into one of the kids' grade six teachers in the locker room and she wanted to have a lengthy chinwag -- all while stark naked! What a surreal moment -- chatting professionally with an exposed and unprotected Mrs. ........... and trying to pretend we were both fully-clothed.

Once in the pool I had to decide which lane to choose. When I started back swimming about eight or nine years ago, I barely made it one length in the leisure lane before collapsing in a lung-less heap, gasping for air. But as my heart-lung capacity improved, I graduated to the medium lane and pretty much stayed there until we moved to the condo. Today, much to my delight, I realized I now fitted right into the continuous fast lane! What a thrill! Now, I would never try this in the evening, when all the young crowd are pounding mercilessly up and down after work. But in the middle-aged cohort, I am now the fastest one in the pool! At least today I was. I haven't felt that rush for a thousand years and it felt wonderful. I actually had to push myself because one middle-aged guy was convinced there was no way I could possibly be faster than he. But he was thwarted as I pushed the "pace", so to speak, and kept the lead.

So, I did my 50 lengths and emerged 38 minutes later with quite a buzz on! Score one for the middle-aged broads!

Really, really bad movie

Must be nothing much to rent these days b/c B brought home 'Sex and the City 2'. What a really, really, really bad movie. Even the shoes could not save it. Here are four skeletal, middle-aged anorexics schlepping their way through Abu Dabbi (sp?). These women are hideous. With portrayals of silly, obsessed women at this end of life and 'Tiaras and Toddlers' at the other, we have no hope of convincing young women to be strong and independent.

Just made the mistake of watching 'The View', which I assiduously never do. I think it may top that movie. Four screaming women ranting about nothing is what it is all about. You just want to cringe continuously. So, don't rent the movie, unless you want confirmation that celery is not a helpful meal hint at 45 years of age. And don't watch 'The View', unless you want confirmation that many women are basically hysterics.

Terror and table talk

Made the mistake of watching 'The Fifth Estate' last night. It was an hour of Russell William's confession and it was chilling. As the mother of a daughter who goes running (sometimes in the dark) I have always been fearful of what could happen to her. Even though she is married and safe, I cannot help but think that none of our daughters is safe. I know she will not like to read this, I don't like to write it, but evil and terror are with us. This was not a show I should have watched.

After my shift at the Museum today, went to lunch at the golf club and had a "monty python" experience, as I listened to elderly folks at the next table. "Hi George, may I join you?" "What?" "Are you alone?" "No, I'm not going home." "No, would you like company?" "Yes, I am very comfy." "What have you been up to?" "No, you don't need to tip-toe here, it's alright." "What's for lunch?" "You had a hunch?" "Is the special good?" "What?" "Are you enjoying your sandwich?" "No, I didn't have to use a sand wedge today." It was hilarious! It went on and on, yet both gentlemen communicated perfectly -- even if on different wavelengths entirely.

This is Britain

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.....it gets. Watched a Michael Caine movie this afternoon, entitled 'Harry Brown'. It made 'This is England' look like 'Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood' and 'Wife Swap' look like 'Romper Room'. Congratulations to the new Prime Minister for cutting what has enabled Britain to get into this state. This is a brilliant performance by Caine about council house life in England today -- resplendent in perfect and exquisite squalor and degradation. It is a film about a senior vigilante (Caine) and the 'Clockwork Orange' thugs who terrorize him. His best friend has been brutally murdered, after countless hazings and other unspeakable acts by aimless, murderous, shiftless, lawless, sociopathic, pathological and insane youths. Remember when we thought Stanley Kubrick's movie was ridiculous? How many years ago was Clockwork? Well, that movie has long arrived. These hideous people thrive and multiple in today's Britain. The Rule of Law is kaput; courtesy is "whaaaat..."; manners.........."huh??!!!"

Do yourself a favour and rent it. Rent it and weep.

Mixed Martial Arts

Well, here I am in Vancouver, blogging from my daughter and son-in-law's living room, watching Mixed Martial Arts. MMA should really be called "fight to kill". These crazy men battle each other mercilessly to the death, if it gets to that. As a mother, I find it hard to watch. Nothing is out of bounds, anything and everything goes, as they pound each other in the head, eyes, ears and every other part of the body. Watching the mat fill up with blood I find it hard to handle. Is there a point here, except to excite? And in that it succeeds.

Before we returned here, we had a delightful day driving up the Sea to Sky Highway to take a tour of the Britannia Mine, now closed since the '70s. A big thank you to the unions here.


Now I am back in my condo, after a great week out west. But a note of caution to anyone travelling to Vancouver. Is this the crime capital of Canada now? Three years ago I had my wallet stolen, with all my cards.......a huge hassle to replace everything. In two hours the thieves had racked up more that $2,000 worth of expenditures. This trip, I was contacted by mastercard after using my card once and they cancelled it on the spot. Then Brian had some unknown charges on his while we were on the government-run ferry! The crooks always seem to be ahead of the rest of us.

But seeing my daughter happy with her wonderful husband and adorable puppy was so gratifying -- even if puppy Pearl decided I was the target of the week and wanted to chew on all my jewellry and clothes. Colin and Susanne decided it was my "Cruella" look that attracted Pearl -- you know, long, flowing coats and lots of bling. Pearl was determined to either subdue me or win me over and she was relentless in her efforts. Colin helpfully sent me a cartoon depiction of Cruella, which I will now use for my blog photo, if I can ever figure out how to upload it (duh?).

I have decided that Vancouver is better off with my firefighter son-in-law in charge of a wee piece of it. He is so calm, cool and collected, so competent and polite -- not to mention devastatingly handsome and charming -- that all who come into contact with him on (and off) the job must feel immediately reassured. You just take one look at him and know all will be well when he takes charge.

Now back to my real life.

Beauty and The Beast

One of the best shows ever has started again this season: Battle of the Blades. Figure skaters are paired with NHL players and it is breathtaking. 'Beauty and The Beast' comes to mind. So do 'The Gentle Giant', 'The Frog and the Prince' and 'Cinderella'. Do yourselves a favour and watch CBC at 8 p.m. on Sunday and Monday nights. The gallantry of these brutes with their porcelein doll partners is magic. I blogged this last year, but it's even better this year.

I mentioned a photographic show we went to last weekend. It consisted of huge colour photos of women I didn't know going for $200-$300 apiece. Whaaaaaaaaaaa???? Why would I buy a photo of a woman I didn't know to hang in my home? I asked this of the photographer and he said it was for a good cause, breast cancer. OK, I get that. But still, why would I hang these women in my home? Did they have breast cancer? No, none of them did, he replied. So, duh, why would I fork over $300 to buy one?? I told him that only their mothers, kids or husbands would buy them. He admitted that I was not the only one who had asked that question.

Another show I have been enjoying is 'Come Dine with Me' -- a British show in which five strangers compete for $1,000 pounds for producing the best meal. Now this is a motley crew of misfits and ordinary folk. Rock stars they definitely are not, which makes the show facinating. Each participant prepares a three-course dinner and is then rated secretly in the taxi rides home by the others. The outfits some of them wear are beyond belief and as the evening wears on, they all get more and more tiddley until silliness reins. The narrator who provides the voice over is the best. He provides quips and retorts to each ridiculous remark the diners and hosts make. And talk about over-estimating their culinary skils! They all think they have won until the final dinner when the truth is revealed. The only problem with the show is that they run five half-hour segments back-to-back on Sunday afternoons, so I have to sit there for two-and-a-half hours to find out who wins and how they all react. But again, the show proves that the Brits are just head-and-shoulders above the rest of us when it comes to tv shows.

Except for Chuck Berry. Last night they re-played a 25-year-old show by the master that had originally aired back then on his 60th birthday. Peerless. He was so great -- and when he did his chicken walk, well forget about it. The fans went wild. This show had Keith Richards dressed in a matching backup suit playing backup guitar. Etta James, Linda Ronstadt and Julien Lennon were also on, but no one could touch the master.

The millions of other people don't want to work

We always think of people who don't want to work as "welfare bums" and the like. But I just figured out there are millions of others who don't want to work: artists, actors, musicians, extras...and the like. Think about it. Whenever you turn on the TV or go to a movie or a concert, there they are -- the tons of people who don't want to work. We see them in movies, on the stage, on TV, in specials..........there are bags of them. Anyone who wants to be an entertainer simply does not want to work. Now, think about it again. And for that, the rest of us reward them handsomely in the millions. The economics are that you and I slave for a paltry (or reasonable, middle-class) wage and give money in our spare time, in an effort to be distracted from our humdrum lives, to those who don't want to work. I am no economist, but I think the math works here.

Love the show 'Steven Seagal, Lawman'. Apparently Steve has been working as a deputy sheriff in Jefferson County, Louisiana, for the past 20 years as a cop. Now he has a reality show and it's fabulous. Here's Steve, now fat and lethargic like the rest of us, but still a hero to everyone. I love the guy. We see Steve in the car with his partner, sporting a bullet-proof vest (unlike in his movies, where he wards off bullets with a mere piercing glance), chasing bad guys. The riot is that when they catch the drug-dealer-murderer-rapist-burglar-drunk-druggie-dealer, the guy stops in mid-arrest and says, "Man, Steven Seagal! Are you really Steven Seagal?!?! I love you, man, you're my hero!" "Were you expecting someone else," says the coolest of the cool, Steve. And the guy rolls over and submits. It is fantastic!

The other show I love is 'Dog, The Bounty Hunter'. More about that later.

Let's also talk about the BBC show 'Come Dine With Me' -- in which five strangers prepare meals for each other in a competition to win $1,000 pounds. It's almost as good as 'Wife Swap' -- more about that later too.

I also have to talk about a photographic show I attended. Stupid. And the Commonwealth Games -- breathtaking.