I remember being aghast when my mother told me that the minute a woman got married, she had to quit her job in the federal government; that's why she quit. Can you imagine, having to give up your job if you married.
I was thinking about that when I looked back on my career -- the latter part of it being in the federal public service. The ideal woman, the one who got ahead, was still single. They were the ones promoted, women like my old DG, Marg Ogden, and others like Jennifer McQueen, who rocketed up the ranks of the public service in the 70s and 80s. Or Anita Slezak, who rode the Liberal wave on the coattails of several high-placed senators. I can think of lots of others who, if not single, had no kids to muck things up. It appears that male bosses wanted only women who would dedicate themselves to the job and any unreasonable demands that came with it. Women with husbands and kids, burdened with the outside tugs they exerted, were a nuisance. It's still like that -- in spite of all the maternity leave and "flex" hours granted for outside lives. When push comes to shove, it's the single and childless women who get the nod.
I remember my Uncle Elgin's secretary, Miss Mitchell. She was with him for years and years and was devoted. When he retired, she cried. It was almost like a divorce for her. Sad.
What's really sad about it is that women need an outside job or career to feel fulfilled. Face it, as I have said before, society does not value childcare -- regardless of what stay-at-home moms say. No, girls, you get no kudos for diapering and going to playtime. So, it's tough to take when busy working mothers are passed over by the big boys when promotion time comes. To get promoted, you are expected to get into the office by 8 a.m. (7:30 is better) and not leave until 7 p.m. You are also expected to be able to travel at the drop of a hat -- often over weekends. Who can do that with toddlers? I remember having to turn down a job at the Privy Council Office when they informed me no one ever took lunch or left before 7 or 8 at night.
I agree with Diane von Furstenberg, who said in an interview I heard last evening that, "Every woman should have at least one baby -- preferably two -- that's why we're put on the earth, but every woman also needs an outside job to give her self esteem and something useful to do after the kids leave home."
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Nancy,
ReplyDeleteI feel I have to comment on this one since I feel strongly about it, and so do you apparently.
I am an attorney. I have worked as an attorney for several years. Law school was long and tough, still is. My husband travels a lot with his job, always has. We've also moved several time. It would have been difficult for me to built a law practice even if I had wanted to. Had I had her daughter I would not have recommended her to follow in my footsteps. It is not a job you can do successfully as a mother. I feel very strongly about this : You cannot be successful in your work environment,(especially in a high power job which demands long, dedicated hours), and be a fantastic mother and be a dedicated and loyal spouse as well. Something has to give. And it is very likely that the one you are getting paid to do is not going to be the one you let go...
So I chose to stay home with my children. I was lucky enough to be able to. Where in the world could I have found someone with an higher education degree to look after them, someone with a degree to educate them and provide love and care every day, every minute of the day and night? But I did it and both my kids respect me, have been very good students, are men for others and will undoubtedly do very well for themselves. And this will be because I was their educator, an educated one. If you need an outside job to have self esteem or feel useful, you've missed the boat entirely. If you are lucky enough to have a choice (financial one)and be able to stay at home, then do so. If you feel useless after they have left home and hopefully to do what you taught them to do during all those years, then you've missed the boat twice. And that is unforgivable. I was the lucky one. Once you have kids, life is not about you anymore.
Florence xx
Thanks Florence, I think we are in violent agreement here. Women lawyers are particularly discriminated against. They have to work incredibly long hours, so I know how impossible that would have been with children. I have read many studies about women lawyers who had to quit because the expectations on them were so ridiculous. As a success and happy, you are the exception to mothers staying at home, not the rule. Most women I know who stay home are not very accomplished.
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