Nothing's changed

"The number of men in Calgary who would like more time with their children following divorce runs into the many hundreds," from an article in 'Avenue', a Calgary periodical.  "I hate the term 'visitation'.  They're my children, after all," said a victim of "The System".

The problem is many men in a divorce are so pissed off they just walk away.  When they try to come back and recover their rights as fathers, they have a real uphill battle.  "The legislation governing family law, as written, is gender-neutral and most judges are fair-minded, trying to apply the law impartially.  Still, many believe that men are discriminated against," the article continues. 

Oh boy, are they ever.

Here's the deal:  Fathers have to pay big-time upfront to ensure joint custody and establish their rights and interest in their children.  They can't just walk away in anger and then reclaim their rights.  They have to hang in there from the beginning. 

When I met "B" 33 years ago, he was in the midst of a divorce.  His then-wife had declared she did not want to be married to him any longer.  Apparently she had read 'The Women's Room' and had decided she was some kind of a  "liberated woman".  From what, we did not know?  Liberated from being financially supported?  Liberated from not having to work?  Liberated from not doing the cleaning and laundry?  Who knew?  What ensued was a protracted custody battle.  Eventually, B was awarded joint custody.  Why?  Because he showed six judges he wanted to be a parent.  That was 33 years ago and after a few years of a complete mess, B was actually awarded full custody of his two children.  Can you imagine that!!??  Why?  Because the court knew that he would not deny access, while the mother would. 

What did it take?  A lot of money.  Most fathers walk away.  They can't do it.  Fathers need to know they have to pay lawyers and be serious and persistent in their objective.  Fathers who want to parent have to push The System and the "judicial attitude" to the en'th degree.

Happily, we did, against the biggest, most negative obstacle one could ever encounter:  the mother.  We succeeded. 

Footnote:  Interestingly, the lawyer who won B's case and the child psychologist who advocated co-parenting teamed up to write a legal textbook on family law, which led to the current trend towards mediation, rather than litigation.